the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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