i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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