Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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