Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
