I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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