The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
