OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
