the condom got lost in my hair
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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