Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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