i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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