I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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