i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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