I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
