theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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