I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
