The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
