Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
