my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
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It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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