the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
