Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize