"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
