I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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