Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We need to rekindle our bromance
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
