If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
