you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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