You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
