please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
