Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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