Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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