how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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