i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
