so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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