i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
