i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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