Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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