so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
