i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
