when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
