also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I cut my penus on the lid.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
