I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
