My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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