I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
