Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
