got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
