Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
