dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Randomize
