Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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