What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
