If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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