We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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