I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
