Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
