I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
