Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
