If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
