I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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