one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
last night I used snow as a chaser
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
