shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
