Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
