totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
